Security Checks – Separate But Equal

02 Dec 2010
Author: Joel The Great  |  Category: How To.., Rants  |  Comments (2)  |  Add Comment

Recently I went with my family to an Air Show.  It took place on an active flight line at an Air Force base. So of course, being a military installation, security was tighter than [insert inappropriate vagina reference here].  The 45 minute wait/line gave me plenty of time to think…

While I was thinking, not only did I figure out why it was taking so long, I also figured out how to solve the issue to make the world a happier place.  Make separate, but equal lines!!

Now some of you are flashing back to that one time in High School when you were checking out your cute classmate and your boring teacher was rambling on about some watermelon uprising, or civil rights or…holy crap is she wearing a mini-skirt…hot damn. Best class ever.

I’m not talking about that racist crap where we segregate lines by race, or religion.  That would be  wrong (Or extremely funny…who knows). What I noticed was there were two types of people in the line.

  1. Smart people (Such as myself).  People who knew damn well a military base would have a security check point, had very little to be checked, no knifes, no large bags, and obviously knowing how to get through a security check quickly and efficiently.
  2. The unprepared.  People who had large bags, waited till they were damn near walking through the metal detector to empty their pockets.  Basically, idiots.

The best way to improve the security check, is separate the lines.

Have one half the check point for the people carrying nothing but the few things in their pockets. The people by themselves, those who are prepared.  This way they wouldn’t be slowed down by the idiots who were too stupid to think ahead.

Then have the other half for those morons who have large bags that need searched, strollers with crying bastards in them, and generally too stupid to realize bringing a knife to a military base wasn’t going to happen.

Now yes, people with kids are somewhat forced to have large bags, strollers, and that crap.  I understand that.  But it doesn’t mean you can’t have the bag ready to be inspected when you get up there. Or make sure your baby is OUT OF THE GOD DAMN STROLLER BEFORE YOU GET TO THE FRONT.  Seriously, stopping the whole damn line for you to spend 5 minutes unbuckling your one night stand mistake is very selfish and should not be tolerated.

My two line system would speed up all the people who were smart, and get them out of the way of the dumb people who are going to take forever.

Basically I think all Security Checks need an Express Lane damnit!  Instead of 10 items or fewer, it could be ‘People with no bags or fewer.’  Fuck I don’t know, but something like that.  Even Hitler had separate lines, especially at train stations.  Regular passengers to on train, 10 days or fewer to live on the other.  Smoking or non-smoking?  Know what I’m saying? You do? You’re going to hell to then buddy.

It’s a simple concept, and wouldn’t be too hard to enforce and do.  But then again I was at a Military base, and we know how smart them folks is.

(Ha, you thought since I was talking about Security Checks that I would be talking about the TSA.. Gotcha!  Besides, the TSA isn’t so bad, as long as you pretend their your Uncle, then the groping feels natural…wait…what?)

2 Responses to “Security Checks – Separate But Equal”

  1. Martin Smith Says:

    They do have lines like that here in the UK at beer festivals etc. It depends on the event of course.

    As much as your humour is bad joel I did still smile at this one

    “(Ha, you thought since I was talking about Security Checks that I would be talking about the TSA.. Gotcha! Besides, the TSA isn’t so bad, as long as you pretend their your Uncle, then the groping feels natural…wait…what?)”

    very me.

  2. Sailor Sam Says:

    Wow! Things have changed! Once I got outta boot camp, I carried a knife with me all the time on military (Army, Air Force, Coast Guard, Marine and Navy), bases and shipboard. Never a hassle. It was only in the mid-1990s and later that military flights got antsy about people carrying a Bo’sun knife on MATS, MAC, and “rotator” flights. (for the non-military, that is Military Air Transport Service and Military Airlift Commmand and the rotator is the plance that carried your sorry ass to and from GTMO or Diego Garcia in the BIOT).
    As that noted philosophical genius, Forest Gump said: “Stupid is as stupid does.”
    BTW, once I got to Diego Garicia in the British Indian Ocean Territories, the Brit Marines were absoluetley Awesome! Once they put up the blue & white striped canaopy, we knew that a weekend long party was going to happen!