JoelTheGreat.com

We are all consumer whores (and how!).  Deal with it.  We have to buy things at a constant rate.  Food, clothes, hookers, baby seal meat, ammunition, pizza, whatever.

So as I was wondering around the local consumer emporium where I purchase things like garbage bags, razor blades, ammonia and songs to drown out the victims screaming…background noise…yes…  So I was shopping, and I realized three things (besides the express line) that could be fixed to make everyones shopping experience more enjoyable.

Number 1 – Schizophrenic prices

This is one of the most annoying things.  You find an item you are looking for, you look for the price..no tag on the item…no price on the shelf…well shit.  How much is it?   Or to go to complete crazy town, maybe the item you found has two, or three listed prices!  So which is it? Is it the one on the shelf, the sign above the display, or the price actually on the product?  Huh?  Now most stores have realized that this happens a lot and put up Price Scanners so you can find out how much the crap you want costs.  But not all of them have self use price scanners set up.  This brings me to point #2

Number 2 – Lazy Day Price Scanners

As Americans, we have grown to be extremely lazy and rude.  So it’s great that stores like Walmart and Target have started putting up price scanners in their store.  This makes it nice when you come across an item as mentioned just above.  You can walk to the price scanner and find how much your Spice Girls Cassette will set you back.  But, they still don’t have it right.

Firstly, why is every time I find a product that isn’t clearly priced, it is as far as possible from every price scanner?  I’m an American damnit. I don’t want to have to walk half way across the store to find out how much something is!

Secondly, when I do walk half way across the store to find out the price, and I happen to think it’s more than I’m willing to pay, what do you expect me to do?  Walk all the way back across and put it back where I got it?  Survey says!? *WRONG*  As an lazy consumer driven American who has grown to be rude, I’m going to place the item I don’t want anymore on the nearest shelf.  Or for added amusement, some other shoppers cart when they aren’t looking.

Target almost has the proper set up to fix this problem, whereas Walmart doesn’t.  The targets in my town have the Price Scanners ad dedicated end caps to select isles.  Walmart has little computer scanners bolted to various beams in the store with just a sign above it.

If each of theses stores would make it so their price scanner had a “unwanted items” shelf, then when I scanned my crap I could just set it there and move on.  Instead I’ll find some shelf nearby, and items will get scattered about.  This will require your friendly sales associate to have to hunt and peck for this crap and put it in the right place.  Their job sucks already.

This brings me to…

Number 3 – Let My Product GO!

Teenagers.  That’s who I blame.  I’m old enough I can do it without being to much of a hypocrite.  God damned teenagers.

Certain items are apparently valuable and have a tendency to walk out of the store without being properly paid for (Say it ain’t so!).  This has caused stores to put items behind these weird Plexiglas doors.  Things such as video games, mens shavers, weight loss pills, and condoms (heh, protection for your protection?).

Fine, I understand the need for security.  Consider this. A  job at Walmart/Target already sucks more than a high school prom date who thinks you’ll still respect them in the morning.  This means the Manager who also has made it nowhere in their life, will make sure to have as minimal help as a store could actually use.  This means when you want something behind one of those cases, you have to find someone.

Oh wait. I’m being optimistic.  Let me rephrase: When you want something from one of those cases, you have to find someone, WITH THE RIGHT KEY.

I went through this hell recently.  Walmart had a specific video game on sale for 33% off.  Being someone who likes to buy crap I wanted it.  So I stood, and looked around, and peered over shelves, and around corners to finally find a blue smocked idiot.  ”Excuse me, I’d like a game from this case” I politely asked.  ”Gah;apl Dvaeer agggbe!” drooled the drone. (roughly translated into english, it said “I don’t have the key for that, I’ll try to find someone who does”).

I was left waiting for another 5-10 minutes until the right person came with the right key.

So then you say: “Okay Joel you fucking smart ass.  Stores don’t want to lose money from people stealing, quit your bitching. Theft prevention helps keep the costs that get passed down to you low.”

Well you asshat, I know that.  I don’t want them to just unlock every thing and let the hooligans run wild with their five finger discount.  That’d be retarded.

I have another great idea.  At all these stupid locked up cases…why not add a button, and a light.  You, the consumer, push a button. The button turns on a light above the case you want in.  This signals to the yokel with the crap job that someone wants an item out of that case.

And as a manager, you can use this to your demoralizing pleasure. Make it so if people don’t respond to the light within X minutes then everyone gets a pay cut.  That way you can lower the store costs, while trying to make it seem like you care about consumers.  It’s win Win Lose or Draw, followed by Family Feud and Wheel of Fortune. Now stay tuned for the news.

Anyways, that’s it.  Three things that could make life easier for someone somewhere.

I still hate you.

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