JoelTheGreat.com

Okay, so in my great quest to do as little work as possible, I was surfing the interwebs at work when I came across the new Homeland Security rules for airlines in regards to that retarded underwear bomber that failed at his one job. His failure was almost of epic proportions as he nearly burned his crotch off.  (News article here if you live under a rock).

Anyways, here are the new rules pulled from Gizmodo.com:

1. BOARDING GATE

1. The aircraft operator or authorized air carrier representative must ensure all passengers are screened at the boarding gate during the boarding process using the following procedures. These procedures are in addition to the screening of all passengers at the screening checkpoint.
1. Perform thorough pat-down of all passengers at boarding gate prior to boarding, concentrating on upper legs and torso.
2. Physically inspect 100 percent of all passenger accessible property at the boarding gate prior to boarding, with focus on syringes being transported along with powders and/or liquids.
3. Ensure the liquids, aerosols, and gels restrictions are strictly adhered to in accordance with SD 1544-06-02E.
2. During the boarding process, the air carrier may exempt passengers who are Heads of State or Heads of Government from the measures outlined in Section I.A. of this SD, including the following who are traveling with the Head of State or Head of Government:

1. Spouse and children, or
2. One other individual (chosen by the Head of State or Head of Government)
3. For the purposes of Section I.B., the following definitions apply:
1. Head of State: An individual serving as the chief public representative of a monarchic or republican nation-state, federation, commonwealth, or any other political state (for example, King, Queen, and President).
2. Head of Government: The chief officer of the executive branch of a government presiding over a cabinet (for example, Prime Minister, Premier, President, and Monarch).

2. IN FLIGHT

1. During flight, the aircraft operator must ensure that the following procedures are followed:
1. Passengers must remain in seats beginning 1 hour prior to arrival at destination.
2. Passenger access to carry-on baggage is prohibited beginning 1 hour prior to arrival at destination.
3. Disable aircraft-integrated passenger communications systems and services (phone, internet access services, live television programming, global positioning systems) prior to boarding and during all phases of flight.
4. While over U.S. airspace, flight crew may not make any announcement to passengers concerning flight path or position over cities or landmarks.
5. Passengers may not have any blankets, pillows, or personal belongings on the lap beginning 1 hour prior to arrival at destination.

Let me explain why this is retarded.

Section 1, “Boarding Gate” makes sense in theory.  But think about it. We had the shoe bomber, and we had to take off our shoes for security.  Now we have an underwear bomber, so we get to have our junk felt up by a perverted contractor at the airport.    You know the “bad people” will just figure some new way around this.   This is obvious by the fact that THEY KEEP FIGURING A NEW WAY AROUND SECURITY MEASURES.  Tada!

Section 2 is where they really dropped the ball.  All the things they list in “IN FLIGHT” makes no sense.

All the things they want to stop you from doing the last hour of the flight are pointless.  What about the first hour? I’m pretty sure they know how to use timers, and advanced fuses.  What’s the prevent them from arming a device 2 hours before the plane is scheduled to land?   Morons.

The funniest part I find is #4 in Section 2.  They are not allowed to announce landmarks or their flight path during the flight over US Territory.  What the fuck?  Okay, I know we like to think that Terrorists are rag-headed cave dwelling simpletons, but seriously, you don’t think they would be able to figure out roughly where they are in the U.S?  If I can recognize the Grand Canyon from the window of an Airliner, whats to prevent a terrorist from doing something similar?

Also think about point 3, where they disable all those fun things that are aircraft integrated?  Considering Terrorists are obviously able to sneak all kinds of shit past our great security, why does it matter that aircraft integrated systems are prevented from being used?   Terrorists are resourceful enough to find a way around that inconvenience.

Also, if they were going to target specific landmarks, don’t you think they would just try to hijack the plane and aim it straight at the thing.  They aren’t going to just make a plan that hopes all the weather patterns are perfect that the flight path of the plane flies over a specific landmark.  That’s just stupid.  Oh wait, they did attempt to hit a landmark once…we now refer to that day as “September 11th.”

Of course, this whole thing is based off the most retarded idea in the world: Suicide bombing.
So if I’m going anywhere in the U.S. I’m gonna do my best to drive.  That way I don’t get tazed if I have to scratch my nuts 30 minutes prior to landing.

**UPDATE**  When this was written, that was what was gonna be new. As of now, apparently these stupid restrictions will be lifted:  http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2009/12/28/national/main6030609.shtml

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