How To: The Perfect Gift for a Geek!

27 Nov 2009
Author: Joel The Great  |  Category: How To..  |  Comments (3)  |  Add Comment

Today being the beginning of the official Holiday Shopping Season, I thought it would be a good idea to bring this subject up.

What do you get a Geek for Christmas (Or birthday, or any holiday really)?

First, what is a Geek?  Well, a Geek is now a very broad term that can cover different things.  Here is a chart showing some various kinds of Geeks:


Click to enlarge

As you can see there are a lot of them.  And most Geeks I know are weird mixes of the different kind of Geeks.  For example, I know someone who is a Code Geek and Linux Geek with small percentages of a bunch of other kinds of Geeks.  In fact, I’ve hardly met one Geek who is completely just one kind of Geek.  Also, you may people who are not considered Geeks, but still contain a small amount of Geek in them.

If you know, or have a Geek in the family, then this isn’t all that odd for you.  You know who is a Geek and who isn’t.

Anyways, the point of this is not to explain what a Geek is, it is to tell you what the best gift you could ever get a Geek for the Holidays or whatever.

Firstly, if your Geek is male, and you are their wife/girlfriend/romantic interest, then obviously the best present you could get them is a blow job.  Yes, vulgar, and I offended all 2 of you people that are offended, but seriously, what man doesn’t ever want one of those? And I’m not talking about your normal BJ. I’m talking about a no strings attached, nothing expected in return BJ.   Now of course make sure you are not related to that Geek, and that the Geek is not claimed by another female (or male for that matter), otherwise drama will occur, and we will all find it funny when we watch Jerry Springer.

Now if you are related, or that Geek is claimed by another, then here is the best present to get them:

$$ CASH $$

That’s it.  Cash.  Benjamin’s, dough, cheddar, mula, greenbacks, monies, etc and so forth.

Why you ask?  Simple.  Geeks are generally self sufficient and know exactly what they want.  Most often they will get what they want no matter what time of year it is.  Also, a lot of they want can be costly and you probably are not going to buy them the new whiz-bang 28″ LCD monitor for $250.  If you give them cash, you give the Geek the gift of shopping.

Most Geeks I know love to shop for something they actually want.  They get to compare specifications of such items, locate places to get the item cheap if possible.

Good example.  Say your Geek wants one of those new fangled ‘netbooks’ (They are small sub $400 laptops that range from 8-10 inches in screen size).  If you were willing to get him one, you wouldn’t know if he wants it with SSD hard drive or SATA. How much memory? Does it support Linux or not?  You more than likely won’t know the answer to those, and many other things your Geek would consider.  But if you just give them $300 with a note saying something like “For your ideal Netbook.” Then they will get to go find what they want, and they will be happier.

Now stop! I saw what you did! Your mind said “Cash is so impersonal, at least I should get them a Gift Card.”  NO! Bad person!! You should be slapped pimp style across the face for having that thought.

Gift Cards limit your Geek to search for what they want in one location.  Say you get them one for Best Buy, that means they are stuck going to a store with people who do not know what they are talking about, high priced items you can find for half the cost on the Internet, and generally just a horrible store.  Why would you want to do that to anyone, especially a Geek who loves having options?  Because you are a horrible uneducated person.  That is why I am writing this, to help educate you (Sorry, nothing can be done to prevent you from being horrible).

Pro-Tip: You could make one of those cute coupons that says something like: “Redeem for $50 toward your Geeky Desires. Also entitled to one free BJ”

Or you can buy them socks again.  Whatever.

Fun Fact:  If you don’t have a Geek of your own, you can gladly give me money, feel free to click the “Make a Donation” on the left menu pane. That’d be awesome. What?  No?  Really, you can’t donate 5 cents?  Bah-humbug to you too then.

3 Responses to “How To: The Perfect Gift for a Geek!”

  1. Scrouge McD Says:

    Wow. nailed me: book geek, ham radio geek, but (hooray) no “target shooting” rat-killing geek.
    As far as I care, Ca$h IS the universal Gift Card
    Accepted everywhere

  2. Nikki Says:

    Hi from Omegle. I clicked link. Take my idea (objects up nose) YOU DISCONNECTED WRRRRYYYYYYY

  3. Jeeves Says:

    While cash may be crass and thoughtless it is also efficient. I may not know what you – your wife- your sister – your brother – your children want or need. So I drop five or ten bucks (or more) in your Christmas card envelope and leave the decision up to you. You, who suppossedly, know what you – your wife etc want/need.
    This also avoids duplication. A person can only use so many 12-gauge pump shotguns at a time.