Fund Raising – Hitler Loves Cookies

13 Jun 2009
Author: Joel The Great  |  Category: Rants  |  Comments (2)  |  Add Comment

As I egress from the local shop where I like to obtain various items for my day to day life, I notice a group of younger humans wishing for other humans to give them objects that would be referred to as “donations.”

Well, that is all well and good. But how about I give you a nice warm cup of go fuck yourself? Can I donate that to your group?

Now some of you might think that is a bit harsh of me. They are raising money for a good cause of some sort (Probably). My problem is with these no name organizations asking for donations without offering anything in return.

At least The Girl Scouts of America sell cookies! Yes they are a bit over priced, but that’s because it is a FUND RAISER, not a ploy to get money for free. You give Girl Scouts money for their troop, and you get COOKIES. That is a Win-Win situation. Giving money to a group for nothing is a Win-Lose. They win, you lose, and I start sharpening my knife.

Bake sales! Those are awesome too! Who doesn’t love home made goodies? The group gets money, you get a nom-worthy treat.

Or how about those Candy Bar fund raisers? Those are good too!

The worst offenders of the fund raising, donation seeking, nothing in return douche bags are the free-loaders on the street corners with things like buckets trying to get your donation while you are waiting at a red light.

That’s right, when I am done working a real job, I get the pleasure of seeing you on a street corner like a hooker, asking for money with nothing in return!

I put this just above the homeless begging for change. Which as I wrote before, can’t be trusted.

As a fun subset of this group of beggers, there are also the highschool/middle school kids and parents/teachers at the intersection collecting donations to help team X get to State finals in Whocareshwhereville. Even better! Lets let children learn that begging is okay, and playing in traffic is A-OK! Great job asshats.

What sort of community is your school in that you have to beg on the corner like the (fake) homeless people? That’s just sad. Hopefully one of the kids will be hit by a bus so you can have a memorial service where you ask for donations to get the corpse to Whocareswhereville for the autopsy state finals.

As with the homeless, how do you know these fund raising people are actually using the money for what they say they are? I mean I can get a group of 4-5 people together outside a Wal-mart saying we are raising money for dog cancer victims.

At least with the Girl Scouts, bake sales, and candy bars, even if they don’t spend the money for what they say they would, you still get something in return! Mostly delicious cookies!

What if you don’t like cookies? How could you not like cookies?!?! Even Hitler loved cookies!! That’s why he invaded other countries…He wanted more cookies!!*

*This may not be true, but think about it..who doesn’t like fucking COOKIES?!?!

Protip: If you like what I wrote, why not go ahead and click on my donation link on the left. (Isn’t that hypocritical of me? lol)

2 Responses to “Fund Raising – Hitler Loves Cookies”

  1. Viktor Says:

    Yeah except you can’t sell home baked goods anymore as a fund raiser becuase the Fed Drug dudes bowing to the union interests of the high-cost low taste cookies and candy industries etc regulated the home made goodies off the market. Purety, safety, Government control of every darn thing you do.
    For you yonger people, several years ago there was a big stink when it was revealed that 90% of what was given to the Red Cross went to “fund raising expenses” and only 10% went to the state purpose.
    Old time military members remember buying coffee at Red Cross canteens and getting Free Coffee from the Salvation Army. Guess where many old soldiers and sailors send their donations?
    “Ya want a helping hand? Look at the end of your own arm first!”
    Crabby Old Guy

  2. Dorkbomber Says:


    Therefore by the transitivity of love I also love Hitler.

    hmmmm, maybe cookies ARE evil…