My other Bumper sticker is your face

13 Apr 2009
Author: Joel The Great  |  Category: Rants  |  Comment (1)  |  Add Comment

Since my geographical location is highly populated, there is a massive gathering of vehicles every week day. This is referred to as ‘Rush Hour’ (not that crappy Jackie Chan movie).  And during this lovely time away from doing things worthy of my time, I get the added bonus of seeing the various strips of individuality called bumper stickers.

Generally I don’t have a problem with all of them.  There are a few clever ones…And by a few I mean 2.

The other 50 Million?  Mostly they are completely outdated/over used and not that funny to begin with.  And the rest make you look like a douche.

If you have a bumper sticker on your car sh0wing who your candidate for the 2004 Presidential election, then you are a douche.  The election is over, there was a winner, he did some stuff, we had another election, and now have a new guy in charge, move on.

I have even seen a Election Sticker from 2000.  9 years past.  9 YEARS!?! And you couldn’t be bothered in 9 years to spend the 5 minutes to remove the sticker from your car?

Other bumper stickers that are retarded:

  • Supporting a politician (Mayor, Congressman, Senator, etc)
  • My kid is Honor student at Fuck You high.
  • My other car is a… (Motorcycle, Limo, Helicopter, Rubik’s cube, your mom, etc)
  • Religious crap (‘In case of rapture vehicle will be abandoned lol omgwtf’)

Why are these retarded? Well the first two and the last one listed above fall into one category: Crap only your immediate friends/family care about. Strangers don’t care that your kid is aces.  Strangers don’t really care that you love Jesus.  Strangers really don’t give a shit that you support the Mayor for a town they don’t live in.

I don’t know anyone who has been swayed politically or religiously by a bumper sticker.  If you are driving in your car, and see a sticker for some religion and think “I should join that religion I just saw on a bumper sticker!’ then you should be stabbed.  In the face.  Repeatedly.

And you should always know, strangers don’t care that your kid got good enough grades to get him/her a $2 sticker saying principles pet or whatever.  It makes you look like a douche.  (Also, grades do not reflect intelligence, but that’s a rant for a different day)

BUT WAIT! There’s more!  What I also considered idiotic that falls in the bumper sticker category:

  • Jesus Fish/Darwin Fish eating Jesus fish, Family of Jesus fish
  • Those stickers the represent you have kids in band, soccer, baseball, whatever.
  • Dealer sticker/letters/symbols that look like the brand name of the car

The Jesus Fish.  Original…in 1973 (google it).  Wait! I know, lets get two big ones and some small ones to represent the whole family!!! YAY! Now I know how many idiots that need a good stabbing.

What? Don’t like Jesus? OH well get the Jesus fish anyways! Then put a fish that looks like it with the word Darwin in it! Oh clever clever!  Wait, nope, not that clever.  Amusing the first time I saw it sure..but really?

But then right out of the box the Christians strike back! Now you can get a fish with the word ‘TRUTH’ eating the Darwin Fish!!  At this rate the entire back end of the soccer mom’s car will be covered with a God fish eating a dinosaur eating a Buddhist eating an Apostle eating a sandwich eating a Jew eating the dollar eating a truth fish eating a D fish eating a Jesus fish.

Stickers showing what extra curricular activity you forced your child into to make them a more rounded individual so they’ll beat their spouse when drunk just like you do every night?  AWESOME! Now when your uncle decides to kidnap and molest your little girl he already knows to go to the soccer field afterschool! (Statistically speaking most incidens are linked to those related/close to the children)

Do I care your kid is #23 for their softball team? Nope.  Don’t give a shit. But now I know his name is Leroy and he goes to Jenkins High School (Thanks to the my son is a honor student sticker).

Dealer stickers/emblems: FREE ADVERTISEMENT!! Yes your car salesman convinced you it’s the best price, and the best vehicle and blah blah blah.  Show me someone who truely believes car dealerships are 100% honest and I’ll show you someone who needs to be slapped.  Leaving those on your car is basically giving the auto dealer free advertisement. (Remember, Marketing = bad)

If you truely like your dealership, then fine, that’s your choice, but I don’t care that you got your Honda at Liars-R-Us on the northside.  Maybe you picked up your Chevy during one of the 12 Truck Months going on at your local Redneck supply company.  Congrats.

The remaining bumper stickers usually are the stupid jokes that everyone has seen over and over again.

  • “Keep honking I’m reloading”
  • “Gun Control is using both hands”
  • “Got Milk” (Got insert item here)
  • “Hang up and drive”

Funny the first 100 times.  Glad you got with last decade.  I hope you drive off a cliff.

There are also favorite sports team bumper sticker, but that falls almost into politics bumper stickers and I’m tired of typing.
Funny Bonus: My geographical area is sunny 500 days a year with summer temps getting above 105 regularly.  So all the cheap crappy bumper stickers (All of them) are all faded and peeling and look like crap.

One Response to “My other Bumper sticker is your face”

  1. Djeet Says:

    You left out the “Calvin urinating on ” as well as the last name of the car owner spelled out in huge calligraphic or gothic font (don’t mess with those guys, your attempts to stab will be defeated by the fact that they’re packing heat).

    Although your entire post in invalidated by your impugning the awesometude of the movie, “Rush Hour”: philistine.