Driving Like An Asshole – Two Can Play That Game!

16 Nov 2012
Author: Joel The Great  |  Category: Rants  |  Comments (0)  |  Add Comment

Look, I know sometimes people are running late to an appointment, or have a once of a lifetime booty call with their 3rd cousin (I live in the South, I won’t judge).  This may cause you to not use the best judgment and feel the need to speed down the freeway.  Fine. Whatever. I see that every day.  But pay attention, just because you want to speed, change lanes quickly and recklessly, doesn’t mean I’m going to do the same to help you out.  What I will do is much more fun though (For me at least). 

First the backstory. As I was driving into work this evening as I usually do, I was confronted with two semi-trucks driving in the right lane.  They were going slightly less than the speed limit (68ish?), and I decided that I would like to pass them.  I got in the left lane (This is a 2 lane each way highway), and start to pass them doing somewhere between 70 and 75 MPH, which is slightly faster than the posted Speed Limit of 70MPH.

As I start to slowly pass the first big rig, I notice that the car that was maybe a quarter to half mile behind me when I started my overtaking maneuver was now getting in the left lane behind me and catching up rather quickly. Yes I know you can see where this story is headed, but shut up I’m telling it anyways.

The guy pulls up right behind me, starts tailgating me. RUDE! I take a look at my speedometer, I’m doing 74 MPH, in a 70MPH zone, and am only about halfway past the first of the two trucks.   I hate tailgaters. It’s a VERY VERY unsafe thing to do.  Especially on the part of the freeway we were on. Every week there is some new splotch on the freeway from a deer/raccoon/armadillo/something that got hit. If shit jumps out in front of me I’d be hitting my brake and end up with the tailgater in my back seat.  Not my idea of fun.  Luckily for me I am insured,  have uninsured motorist coverage, and drive a used clunker sort of car that won’t be missed if someone else slams into it.

So there I am, about halfway done passing the first truck, an asshole behind me (Obviously he’s an asshole, since he was wanting to be all up in my ass, hahaha jokes), and I’m not very pleased about the situation, when not even 5 seconds after he has nearly put his bumper up my tailpipe, he flashes his lights at me.

Are you fucking kidding me?  Where the fuck do you want me to go asshole? I’m next to one truck, that is following behind another truck, and you’re 1 foot from my rear bumper?  What the fuck is your problem?

This obviously angers me, as it would anger any one.  I do highly believe that you should treat others how you would like to be treated..but in the extend that if you want to be an asshole to me, I will gladly play your game.  Of course that means I slowed down my rate of passing the first semi truck.  I didn’t want to go the same speed, as that would be obstructing the flow of traffic completely (Even though there were no cars for at least a mile behind us).

As I clear the first truck and start to catch up to the second one, I’m figuring the extra minute I made him wait was enough, and I could speed up a bit more to get out of his way.  Mainly because I really didn’t like being next to large trucks with someone that close to my ass. If he rear ended me I could easily spin into the side of the large trucks…or in front of them.  That would not be a fun experience at 70MPH.

I start to speed up to overtake the second truck when Asshole shoots from behind me, cutting off the first truck and tries to pass me on the right to be able to cut me off and nearly rear end the other semi. *CLICK* Anger mode engaged!

I speed up to keep him from doing this.  I decide his behavior is ridiculous, and uncalled for, and he is a hazard to everyone on the road.  I take my sweet ass time passing the second truck.  So much so that the trucks have time to catch up to another slower than the speed limit car in the right lane. Which gives me yet another vehicle to slowly pass.  The entire time Asshole is riding my ass, drifting out of his lane onto the shoulder a bit to look around me/flash his headlights in my side view mirror…just being a complete dick.

After about 5 or so minutes of super slowly passing the slower traffic in the right, I do eventually get over and let the asshole by.  This is mainly because after a few minutes I started to calm down and realize I should let this asshole get as far away from me as possible since he’s most likely going to cause an accident eventually, and I rather not be involved.

I make sure to speed up and flip him the bird as he passes me to let him know he can go fuck himself, and he speeds off reaching well over 90MPH as he flies down the freeway in front of me.  My only hope is that I managed to make him late enough to cause him problems, or that he loses control of his fast flying late 90’s Toyota and crashes in a ditch, hurting himself (And not others..just himself).

Now some of you are probably think I handled that wrong. Or I should have done something different. I should have been the better person, or  made him stuck behing me longer.  Whatever your stand point is, I did what I did and I don’t regret it. There was no one in the persons car that appeared to be needing any sort of emergency assistance. I could see no reason he was in a hurry.  If he would have not flashed his lights and tailgated, I probably would have passed the trucks faster as I know I hate being stuck behind someone.

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