How To – Motherfucking pirate biscuits.

25 Apr 2011
Author: Joel The Great  |  Category: How To..  |  Comments (0)  |  Add Comment

With permission from the original author, I have stolen their recipe titled “Motherfucking pirate biscuits.”  What follows (text and images) was provided by them, and has remained unedited. Enjoy.  (For the really dense, the ingredient list is at the bottom, deal with it)

I made some buttermilk biscuits and the were good as shit.

Leave heavy cream sitting out for 12 hours. You’ll know its ready when the packaging is bulging. Use the time you’re waiting to whip up a batch of margaritas.

Pour the cream into something you can shake. I used a protein shaker. It should have a sour smell.

Shake the balls out of it for 5 mins. Shake like your life depended on it. It needs to be violent like you’re shaking a baby.

Now you have unsalted butter and butter milk. Pour the buttermilk into a container for later. Put some water in the shaker, shake that up some more and dump out the liquid thats left. The water draws out the rest of the buttermilk so you end up with dry butter. Put your butter in the freezer.

Now you’re going to need some flour, seasalt, baking powder and baking soda as well as the buttermilk we just made.

Sift all the dry ingredients together. I used a fork to do it which feels an awful lot like I’m shanking a motherfucker in prison.

After the butter has been in the fridge for at least 30 mins add the correct amount of it. Grind it in there but dont spend more than about 2 minutes mixing it. It shouldnt be 100% mixed.

Skeet the pan with some butter. These biscuits were pretty big. I find they’re better when they’re smaller. I could have easily made 6 or 8 biscuits out of this batch but I was drinking and automatically assumed bigger was better. When you’re done, put the whole pan in the freezer for 20 mins.

Throw them bitches in the oven (20 mins at 475*). Melt some butter and brush it on with a marianade brush. I dont know why but I always talk dirty to my biscuits as I brush the butter on. At this point in the recipe I generally only have the where-with-all to work one eye so it feels like a drunk pirate oiling up the commodore’s daugher for something illegal.

Eat those fuckers. If you’ve followed the recipe right you should be really hungry for some salty carbs by now. If not, fuck you.

You can also use a floured glass to cut out round biscuit shapes but I enjoy splooging batter on the pan with a spoon.


  • 2 cups all-purpose flour
  • 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 8 tablespoons ice cold butter
  • 3/4 cup buttermilk
  • 7 margaritas

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