Background: I work at a stop’n'rob in Asshole, Nebraska. Strictly for candy money while I go to college (which is starting tomorrow)

People who write checks:
in this day and age you need to be shot. Repeatedly.

I can understand if you’re doing it to pay your bills through the mail. I can understand if you’re doing it to send money to someone. But if you’re writing checks in lieu of carrying cash, you’re an idiot.

At my place of employment, we accept checks. We’re also very fucking busy from, oh, 5 in the AM to 7 in the PM. on slow days.

Listen assholes, you should know where you are and what day it is. Have the shit filled in before you get up to the counter. Pulling out a checkbook afterI finish ringing all your shit up and giving you your total is a no-go. We post signs, conspicuously, saying you need your driver’s license number and phone number on the check. Don’t get all shitty about it. I just work here. We do it because some of you simple motherfuckers think a check is an IOU. It is, but it’s payable as soon as I can run it through my verification box. Which is usually before I offer you a receipt. The reason is that some banks don’t participate in the instant verification system and report back that everything is hunky-dory with your account, and you could be overdrawn by $800. So your shit bounces and our check processor reports back that they’ll try to recover funds, but no guarantees, since there isn’t a DL and phone number on it.

This is why we can’t have nice things.

So I’m going to take my sweet ass time and get everything right before I let you go. A check is a colossal pain in my ass, so you’re going to suffer as well. Don’t like it? Join the 21st fucking century and use plastic. or cash. If you insist on waiting until the last second, don’t be surprised if I suspend your transaction and help 3 more customers while you dick around with your check. You do notice that there are 3 people behind you, and the line is growing, right? Shove over and let me get some people out of the store.

Direct withdrawal for bill payment is the way forward. Checks need to die. now. Cash works. Plastic is better. Which leads me to another pet peeve of mine:

People who stop to get exact change out of their pocket:
Die in a fire while riding a bicycle made out of dicks.

nothing grates on me more than the words: “Oh, hold on I think I have 17 cents…”

listen you insipid cockmonglers: I have this neat thing in my register, called a “cash drawer”, that separates my quarters, dimes, nickels, and pennies. Your pocket hasn’t got this feature. Even if you hand me exact change, you and I still have to count it to make sure you’re not short or long. it takes longer for you to realize that you might have exact change, dig into your pocket, remove car keys, anal beads, grass clippings, condoms, cigarettes, lighter, batteries, your one-hitter, and dime bag to find out “nope, nevermind.” (Yes, I have seen all of these things come out of a pocket while at work.) that it would be for me to just take your fucking $20 and hand you back some pennies. If you’re polite and your total ends in .x1/.x2 or .x6/.x7, I might even reach into the take-a-penny tray and round your shit to the nickel to save you some change.

split methods of payment:
Shoot yourself.

There is no need to pay pennies and credit both. it makes my job harder. I have to total up credit receipts at the end of my shift. the big number is the grand total, and if you stick to using a card only, I can use that. our receipts have methods of payment in smaller typefaces. if I’m in a hurry, I might fuck it up. I am not trying to fuck it up.

if you want to make your ledger easier to balance and save yourself up some money, round everything to the next higher dollar ON YOUR OWN.

Pay your $10.50 on the card and then, here’s the magic part, when you balance your ledger, turn that bitch into $11.00. Hey look, you just saved 50 cents. More if you consider the time it takes: you to dig out change, me to stop and read every credit receipt, the cost of the accountant to backstop me and my cow-orkers, and the time you waste of those around you.

So don’t.

exact change: Hardcore edition:
Poor people suck. If you can’t afford to pay cash, then just kill yourself by falling into a meat grinder at a packing plant that supplies Wal-Mart. That way, You can feed your fellow poor. Jonathan Swift had it right, but he should have been more serious.

I can understand being poor. I got that. I work for around 7.75 an hour. I’m not rich.

There is no excuse for busting open your piggy bank to get money for cigarettes. …Well there is, but that includes a stop at this place called a “bank” where they take your change and magically convert it into cash. It’s a new concept, I mean, it’s only been around since 300 BCE.

Do you hamster-felching shitstains have any idea how much of a fucking pain in the ass it is to count that shit three times? Once in front of you, and once more when I count out my cash drawer at the end of the shift to make my closeout drop, and a third time when I count it to make sure that I’ve left exactly $200.00 in there for the next person to use it.

Banks will take your fucking change, and hand you cash. You don’t even have to be a member of that bank for them to do that, usually.

If you hand me a roll of coins, I still have to break the bastard open and count, to make sure that you aren’t fucking me over. Banks charge a fee for rolling up your metal in some paper. Bite the fucking bullet and take the cash.

I don’t care if you just came from the bank. USE MOTHERFUCKING CASH MONEY OR DEBIT/CREDIT LIKE RESPONSIBLE ADULTS.

By the way: If your plastic is declined: “Can you run it again?” is not going to change the outcome. nor is “can you punch it in manually?” the cards have a CRC built into the magstripe. if it doesn’t read right, it’ll tell me to swipe it again. If it says “DECLINED”, it means you haven’t got enough money. I AM NOT going to punch in 36 digits manually unless the card won’t read at all. in which case, you need to go get a new one.

“Well I made a deposit today!” Yeah, at what time? “3:15 PM…”

The banks in this area, and in most places, won’t credit a deposit made after 3 PM to your account until the next business day. it’s conspicuously posted at the bank. I don’t buy shit on plastic unless I know I have enough _before_ I would make a deposit. That means I make sure my ledger is balanced, so I know if my card has enough to cover a transaction. that also means tracking my ledger like the bank does: Debits come out now, Deposits are put in tomorrow

… I think that about does it for now.

TL;DR: This job would be great if it wasn’t for the fucking customers.

[please note the views and opinions of guest writers do not necessarily reflect those of JoelTheGreat, but seriously who the fuck writes checks?  At least Hitler tried to get rid of those damn inferior Czech's...]

[please also note: spelling and grammar don't matter as long as you get the point that is trying to be made, so shut your grammar Nazi face]

The situation is it was raining. You turn your wipers on. It stops raining. Like 15 minutes ago. Your at a stop light. The ground is now dry.  YOUR WIPERS ARE STILL ON!

Let me clarify a bit here. The situation I just explained I witness in a craptastic town called ‘San Antonio TX.’  When it rains, it could rain all day, or for 5 minutes. Also, San Antonio has 2 seasons, summer, and December.  So we end up with this: Short quick rain shower + hot weather/pavement = dry roads.

No water on the road, no longer raining but still cloudy.  And you have your windshield wiper going like the Nazi’s are pissing on your car from the overpass.

If it’s not raining, and your not moving, and there is no water in the ground, why would you leave your wipers on?

Technically this will wear them down quicker, and end up costing you money in the long run.  Also, as anyone with half a brain knows, moving parts will wear down/break eventually.  I know that it’s not really going to wear down the wiper blades etc that often, but just letting you know.

But it gets better, the following is a picture I took while stuck in traffic because it was too stupid not to document:

Click to see larger version

Now unfortunately it’s hard to see without clicking on it, but if you look very closely at the back of this not cheap SUV type vehicle, you will notice it’s rear windshield wiper is missing/broken off.

The stupidity of this is is that it was nearly 100 outside, hasn’t rained in a few weeks, and the little nub on the back of the SUV WAS MOVING.  Every 15-20 seconds it would activate.  Obviously the driver has been driving for who knows how long with their rear window wiper on.  What the fuck?  Maybe they accidentally bumped it?  That might explain it, but you know that’s not what happened.

My point is more of an observation of the stupidity of those I share the road with, it’s your damn car, do what you want.

Facebook Convo

Done reading it? Good.  If you are an educated person you probably lost just that much more faith in humanity after reading that.   If you are a moron, you probably don’t see anything wrong with what anyone said.  You probably are thinking “Hey, that’s like the convo’s with my friends!”

Let me go over in more detail what is wrong with this, and who should be stabported.

Firstly, the initial post (status update) made by ‘Arika.’  It looks like she hit Caps Lock (Also known as Billy May’s mode) and just banged her misshaped head against the keyboard.  After closer inspection you can see that Arika is attempting to communicate, but with a very limited knowledge of this thing called THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.

Now as most of you should be aware, this type of communication is common amongst the stupid.  Unable (or unwilling) to use proper grammar, or full words (4 instead of for, seriously?), they make posts like that that hurt most peoples brains.

The two comments of that are uninteresting and I am skipping them, deal with it.

The third comment is gold. Laura makes a lovely sarcastic remark pointing out Arika’s lack of proper communication skills.  Sarcasm being total awesome, I have no problem with that comment (This will come into play later).

The fourth comment is of no consequence.

Then the magic begins.  Comments 5th-8th are the beginning of some of the most retarded stuff I’ve read on the internet.  Which is amazing as I obviously spend a crap load of time on the internet.

All four of those comments could have been combined into one..but it’s the third one of those that confused me to the point that I said out ‘What?’ out loud.  Let me quote “If ur mexican u will understand..”  This is in regards to Laura’s English comment earlier.  I feel like repeating myself.  What?  I know Mexican’s speak some dirt language, but I’m pretty sure they use full words, and some form of grammar.  Unfortunately I work the day shift so I couldn’t ask the janitor for more details.

Then comes the first of two genius comments from Jeremiah.  He states that what Arika posted was ‘english’ and that Laura should “learn too sound the words out like in first grade!”   What Arika posted could be considered horrible English at best, but not English.  Also, you do learn to sound out words around the 1st grade, but by the time you graduate high school, you learn to use proper spelling and grammar for the most part.

This is shortly followed by Arika telling Laura that a little boy should help her understand what was said.  I know Corbin.  He is one of the smartest kids I have ever known.  And since he knows how to read proper English, he was unable to decipher the status update as it doesn’t contain proper words or grammar.  Examples of things from the original status that are not words: DSNT, HME, WNA, X, DNT, WRNG.

At this point, Laura comes back to explain she was just making a point (or joke) about how people should take the extra few seconds to spell out things properly because that short hand all caps status makes you look like an uneducated buffoon.  She then goes forward with awesome sarcasm, and the ability to make witty banter.  Bonus points for what people would call ‘racist’ remarks.  This is followed by a quick update stating what I said before, kids who are taught properly don’t really understand what the status update said.

Jeremiah makes his final appearance making all kinds of sense.  Nonsense that is! He states that white people like to sound educated but also claims that white people really aren’t educated.  He, being not white apparently, makes this statement with horrible grammar, which doesn’t prove his point.  Also, as he did in his first comment, he used ‘too’ instead of ‘to.’  Durrrrrrrrr.

To continue rowing the stupid boat further down the retard river, Ciji from early takes the cake (and from the profile pic I’ve seen probably the whole cake shop)(And for those of you who didn’t understand, I just said she’s FAT).  I am going to paraphrase the horrible spelling and grammar of that bitches her statement so everyone, even little kids, can understand.

She roughly said: You (refering to Laura) brought race into the conversation by requesting someone located in the United States of America, who is using a USA based social website, to use the primary language used by Americans.

Did your head just explode?  Mine did.  As will be pointed out later by Laura.  English is a language, not a race.  Asking someone to communicate in the native language of the country is not racist.  If I went to Germany and didn’t speak German I wouldn’t accuse everyone wanting me to speak German of being a racist.

The last few comments go back and forth between Laura and douche nozzle Ciji.  The last comment says it all though.

Laura explains in her last comment what I said above, about English being a language.  And all that cunt can say back is “Blah blah blah…”  Obviously she is to stupid to argue on Laura’s level.

I give the round to Laura as she used valid points and proper English to defend her position and stand up for herself.  The other people in that thread, would be better if they all burned in a fire (Hitler approved!)

This is the kind of shit I see on the internet, and Facebook, that reiterate my feelings that it should be legal to stab certain people.  Not necessarily kill them, but at least give them a lasting reminder that they are indeed more retarded that the sum of those on the short bus.

As you possibly could tell, the most retarded comments were made by Mexicans.

WOAH!  I know what you just did.  You thought “OH MY GOD! What a racist thing to say!”  Well fuck you, that wasn’t racist, and I can explain.

It wasn’t racist because I didn’t finish.  The most retarded comments were made by Mexicans.  Not Hispanics, or Mexican-Americans, but MEXICANS.  As in they probably don’t have a green card.

See, NOW it’s racist.

The reason I think this is because they are obviously un-educated.  If you were born and raised in America you are required to go to school.  It is a public service that is required by law.  Parents can be arrested if they do not make sure there kids go to school.  If someone is so stupid to not understand the difference between a RACE and a LANGUAGE, then they obviously have had little to no schooling.

The other reason I say they are Mexicans is that there last names ended in stuff like Taco-Grande, and Quesadilla.

If they are here illegally I say deport their stupid asses to help save the country. Or at least stab them in the face, then deport them.  Can we make a new process called Stabporting? We can take the stupid people, stab them appropriately, and then deport them (probably to Mexico because it’s funny). Vote for me for Hall Monitor and I’ll make sure we can Stabport people!

If I am wrong, and they are American Citizens, then obviously someone fucked up.  Most likely the parents for drinking while being pregnant with those morons. Or just reproducing in general.

• 11 year old cunt girl posts a video on YouTube filled with all kinds of retardedness, foul language, and general ‘you all suck’ comments, including saying things about putting a gun in someones mouth and making a ‘brain slushee.’
• ‘The Internet’ (Mostly from 4chan, supposedly), struck back at this horribly raised cunt girl and found out personal information and started harassing her through various means. Hacking, prank calls, etc.
• The 11 year old put up a video telling people to stop, in which her father explodes and yells at the internet, resulting in funny re-edits of some of the funnier things he said.
• The mom of the bitch talks with some sites about the situation, and even though it’s not directly said, point out the obvious that I am about to go off about.

That is this: JESSI SLAUGHTER’S MOM IS A HORRIBLE PARENT AND A PRIME EXAMPLE OF WHY KIDS THIS DAY ARE FUCKING RETARDED.

Sorry for the capslock.

Let me explain by quoting her from the article I posted up top: “The officers had said there were videos, but Jess denied making them. Then my mother-in-law called and said there were videos. But I haven’t watched them.”

Did you see that?  “But I haven’t watched them.”

Do you understand what is fucked up with that?  The mom is upset her daughter is being harassed, and wants it to stop, but chooses not to even see WHY her daughter is being harassed?  Instead she is going to take the side of an 11 year old who shows obvious signs of being socially retarded?

I’m not saying that harassing people is okay, or right, but blindly ignoring how your kid acted in the public domain (YouTube counts as public domain as ANYONE can access it) shows that she is indeed a horrible mother.  This also shows where her cunt dropping daughter gets her poor choice of behavior.

This would be like if someone accused you of stealing, and they have video of it. So you cry like a bitch and the judge lets you off the hook without even looking at the video, just because you’re a whiny bitch (and ugly to boot).

Now honestly, I think that some of the harassment may have been a bit overboard, but some of it that kid deserved for being such a douche.

It was 95 degrees this week easily in San Antonio.  Last thing on my mind is where to have a Christmas Party.

Now I know the point is they want you to plan, and book early so you can get the day you want etc etc.  But if you are so ANAL that you are even thinking of planning a Christmas Party 5+ months in advance, I doubt a stupid tree is going to suddenly remind you and get you to book that far in advance.

But what if it’s the annual office Christmas Party?  As a person who has worked some various jobs, I’m going to let you know that planning that far in advance is still crazy.  Within a few months a company can experience massive growth, or massive loss in number of employees.   It can take less than 5 months for a business to go completely go under.  Look at the U.S. Banks a few years back.

The whole thing makes me want to light that stupid tree on fire and piss on the fire extinguisher.

Unless you own a pick up truck, more likely you do not have a full size spare. You have what people call a ‘donut’ (because it’s small and donut shaped…durrr).  And it is going to kill you.

How the hell is a spare tire going to kill you?  Because YOU ARE AN IDIOT.

Here is what I see every week. Some jack ass got a flat tire.  They put the spare on.  But they don’t want to take the time (or money) to go get the flat fixed.  So what do they (and most likely you) do?  They drive around on the donut!

“But Joel” you start to whine, “that’s what the spare is for, to drive on! Duh it’s a tire!”  Good, you keep thinking that you putz.

But here is the problem.  Where do I see these knuckleheads driving on the spares?  Side streets? Neighborhoods?  Nope!  Doing 65+ MPH on the freeway!

Now for the few of you who are not clear why this is a problem (probably because you are a woman and think cars are ‘magic’).  Spare tires have all kinds of warnings all over them: “DO NOT EXCEED 55MPH” or something similiar.

But it gets better!! The majority of the time I see these jackholes driving around with the spare tire on the front tire of their front wheel drive car.  Let me explain for the stupid again.  Most front wheel drive cars use their front wheels for the following: Acceleration, steering, BRAKING.

So, here is the scenario I’m waiting to see happen:  Idiot with spare tire on the front of their front wheel drive car is screaming down the freeway at 70MPH.  Then some other jackass cuts the idiot off.  The idiot slams on the brakes, tries to make a sharp turn to avoid the other car, and BLAM.  The spare tire, that isn’t designed for that type of abuse disintegrates and breaks apart, not only the tire, but the flimsy metal rim.

This makes it so the idiot is in an out of control metal coffin doing 70 MPH with no way to stop or control who or what it runs into.  Hopefully it’ll spin and rollover into a ditch and no one will see it and they can slowly die from internal injuries and save the planet from one more retard.

The only reason I give a shit is because it could ruin my day. Since I see these idiots every week doing this, there is three possible ways it could ruin my day:

1. Idiot could crash into me after losing control of his car.  Hopefully they’ll have insurance, but still an annoyance.
2. Idiot crashes into lots of people causing a huge traffic jam.  I don’t like being stuck in traffic, do you?
3. Idiot loses control and causes me to spill my beer.  I hate when that happens.

Anyways, if you get a flat, use your brain.  Get it replaced soon, and don’t drive recklessly on your spare. Putz.

• February – Wrote a review of Dave & Busters: Dave & Busters – Review (It’s like Hitler)
• April – Dave & Busters tweeted a simple question in which I gave a smartass response too.  This resulted in Customer Care for D&B to email me.
• April (the next day) - I get a call from Guest relations, discuss my problems with D&B that I pointed out in my review.

Alright, now that you are up to speed, it’s time for an update!

Well this past weekend I went into D&B and it did smell much better. Well apparently Dave & Busters sent me a letter that I received today. Here is what it says (names changed because..well I don’t know, but I did it):

Dear Mr. TheGreat

Thank you for speaking with me about your recent visit to Dave & Buster’s San Antonio location.  Dave & Buster’s takes great pride in providing our guests with great fun, excellent food and legendary service.  We also take Guest comments very seriously and refer them to the appropriate individuals for review.

I have spoke with Mr. McManager, the new General Manager this location, and he joins me in a sincere apology for any disappointment or frustration you have experienced with service and the physical plant of the building on your recent visits.  McManager assures me that he is working hard on improving all of the standards in this store, and would like for you to ask for him on your next visit.

Your feedback is essential so that we may consistently offer an outstanding experience and extraordinary environment to our Guests.  Please accept the enclosed “Be Our Guest” certificates as a personal invitation to join us again soon to replace this disappointing memory with a much more pleasant one.  If you have any additional questions or concerns please feel freeto contatc me at (###) ###-####.

Sincerely,

Wonder Woman

Guest Relations

There were three guest certificates enclosed totaling  $30 for food/drink/fun.  (No, not three $10 Playing cards, actual certificates worth actual money).

I’m impressed with this.  Here is why:

1. I made a smartass comment and they looked into it instead of thinking I’m some of internet wacko (Don’t get me wrong, I’m a wacko alright).
2. They called me to hear my thoughts on things they need to improve.
3. They promise to look into it and try to resolve the issues.
4. I can tell they are making an actual attempt at the place of business meaning I wasn’t fed a bunch of lies by someone who doesn’t care.
5. They sent me a letter that, with it’s grammar issues, I can tell is not a canned answer.
6. They invite me to meet/talk with the General Manager the next time I am at the business. (Which I plan to do next time I am there)
7. They give me $30 worth of certificates to go back and make a happier memory, not to apologize for the mistake (as they already did that in the letter and their actions).

It’s a good day when consumers are willingly heard for their opinion by their customers.

Well, as a customer of Sprint, I sometimes have questions I want to ask.  Being an American, I don’t want to speak to ‘Bob’ over in Pakistanaghandiaraq.

Now I’m pretty sure ‘Bob’ is a nice guy and all, but I don’t like talking to him.  It could be his horrible accent that I can’t understand.  The fact that he can’t understand me since I speak english?  Maybe it’s because he’s probably a terrorist.  It doesn’t matter, I don’t like talking to people. They’re retarded.

So my point is occasionally I want to talk to Sprint. And I want to do so in a way that can be logged for later proof in court.   That’s where their Customer Service Chat thing comes in handy.

If you’re a Sprint Customer you probably know they have redesigned their site.  And on their site right next to where you can log into your account is a button that says:

Fantastic! Easy to find, that way I can get help with whatever customer service issue I have quicker!!  That’s Great Sprint!  So let me just click that button…:

Fuck. (Please note, I took this screenshot at 8:40pm CST Friday May 14th 2010).

As I just noted, I took this at a time when their “Normal hours of operation are”…  Now for the kicker.  I HAVE TRIED THIS VARIOUS TIMES OF DAY FOR THE PAST WEEK!  Mornings, afternoons, evenings, even on Sunday.  Tried it from different computers, and different browsers (IE, Chrome, FireFox).

“But Joel, if you can’t get them on chat, just dial *2 on your phone…” Says the idiot in the room no one likes because he smells like the pharmacy aisle in Walmart.  If that is what you thought, or even said out loud, please do me a quick favor.  Pour gasoline over you and your immediate family, and light yourself on fire.  You are stupid and should remove yourself from existence.

I know I can CALL THEM, or go into a Sprint store.  But that’s not the point I’m trying to make here.  If you are going to give your customers an option, make sure the damn thing actually WORKS.  The Chat button is on EVERY page you go on.

Thankfully I don’t have an urgent issue with Sprint, so it’s not like it matters if I talk to them now, or months from now.

Now I did find out that it’s not that no one is there.  You can chat with Sprint Customer Service.  You have to scroll ALL THE WAY to the bottom. Their they have a link in a small font that says ‘Contact us,’  If you click on it, you are given a list of phone numbers of all sorts.  There. On that page. Their is a button titled “Got Questions? Click to chat”

That button actually works!!  Great programming their Sprint Website designer.   Moron.

Sprint = assholes.